Re: Beta plot discussion and feedback [spoilers]
#4 by Runespoor - May 5 2016
French notes!
I haven't gone all over the game yet, but I've played through Mariette's route. Except for one or two things, what I noted here isn't wrong so much as I think there's a more natural way to put it.
I forgot to mark the weeks, I'm sorry.
Act I
Mariette :
« Is it alright if I ask you a few questions about yourself ?
- C'est bon, mademoiselle. » → Weird sounding. « It's alright » doesn't translate well. « Bien sûr » would work better (but it means « of course »). « Si vous le souhaitez » ou « si vous voulez » means as you wish. « Certainement » is a possibility. Unfortunately, none really convey reluctance on Mariette's part.
Sara reading the French schoolbook:
« le pere » « la mere » « le frere » awwww accents are gone.
Mr Dufarge to Ermengarde :
« Écoutez-vous » : Do you mean « listen »? That would be « Écoutez » on its own, or « Écoutez bien » (which would mean something closer to « listen closely »).
Mariette week 9 ; « volume de la poésie française » → I think you'd be better off getting rid of « la ».
Mariette week 12 : « qu'est-ce qu'il se passe ? » is correct, but « que se passe-t-il ? » is more proper. I prefer the latter for polished Mariette.
Mariette week 22 : « dans les provinces » ; if Mariette wants to sound astoundingly Parisian about it, she'd say « en province », singular. There's Paris, and there's la province – that which isn't Paris : it matters very little where it is.
« ...sortez de mon chemin. » → would read more natural as « hors de mon chemin ». Wow, Mariette is furious. It's a very aggressive turn of phrase.
Act I
Sara talking to Jessie :
Jessie convo :
« vous êtes une fille charmante » → « vous êtes une jeune fille charmante ». « fille » on its own wouldn't have been used for a young lady, it more or less referred to prostitutes.
Act II
Lavinia's route :
Lavinia : « si amusant !... » (« so funny ! ») it would sound more natural as « comme c'était amusant ! » or « que c'était drôle ! » but then again, Lavinia isn't a native speaker... (« drôle » has the same kind of meaning as « queer » when Lavinia uses it, to speak of something a little unusual.)
Act II
Mariette's route :
not a nitpick, but I gasped in delight when Mariette called Sara « ma chérie ». Yay protective Mariette!
« Quel idiot je fais ! » → « quelle idiote je fais ! » ou « quelle idiote je suis ! » You want the female form.
I'll get back to you about more constructive remarks. So far my big crit - and one that I realize isn't so easy to fix - is that I wish Act II involved more decisions on the player's part - maybe a branching off point? Stats are quite easy to gain. Act I gives a choice between the different characters, but on Act II once you're locked into a route, it's smooth sailing. Perhaps there could be a choice, not between characters, but between events on the same week for the same character, with different requirements? Bigger requirements might give a different scene (perhaps concluding with a different ending, or starting/concluding a sidestory? It could give a nod to Melchisedech)?
I've played through Lavinia, Mariette and Jessie's routes. I love each of them, though the Jessie one really does make me wish there was some way to reach out to Lavinia as well. (Lavinia Herbert: consistently the worst
and yet.) I think my favorite so far might be Mariette, surprisingly; there's something so satisfying about the way Sara comes to realise their relation in Act I wasn't and couldn't be equal, and the way Mariette finally lets go of her resentment, and I loved the idea of Sara taking Mariette for a model. Mariette being angry at Miss Minchin on Sara's behalf is amazingly cathartic.
Should be fixed for the final.
I’m keyed up to pick French in English-language works apart.
) 
