Hanako Games

#2 by phoenixgirl - Jan 5 2008

Awww, poor Christina. You sure don't make her life easy, huh?

But anyway, this might convince me of Christina and Bastian belonging together (note that I said "might"). Can't wait to read part 2.

#3 by Testsquid One - Jan 5 2008

The meeting scene is a little confused - I can see Randy being distracted enough by YAY! My sister will LIVE! to not think to ask if Bastian's still going to need murders to feed - but I think the other wolfriemen would bring that up as a question immediately, not wait until after the cult is broken, and Tim sort of appears out of nowhere in it.

Also, you go back and forth between present and past tenses rather confusingly - lines like 'We take our seats, then Tim began' should be either 'We take our seats, then Tim begins' or 'We took our seats, then Tim began'. (I think all-past-tense might read best, but consistent present tense would still be better than mixed tense.)

That being said... we can't read part 2 until you post it! So hurry up!
:)

#4 by lill_sweetty - Jan 5 2008

See...the "past tense" type of thing is because...

My writing style--the one I'm most comfortable with--is past tense, so that's why I wrote it at first in past. Then, I realized that Fatal Hearts was written if present, and it seemed to "fit" better with the story, so I switched to present.

But obviously, I need to proofread more carefully because I didn't change the parts you said to present....

As for the Tim thing...He appeared out of nowhere because I needed an excuse to get Christina and Bastian together, so the meeting was set up. As Randy can't go there by himself and Tim's the leader, he had to be there. It's a lil confused, yeah, but I did it for the sake of the plot. Any better ideas as to how to bring them together? And the wolfriemen not asking whether there would be more murders occurred right away is also because for the sake of the story. I couldn't exactly have a meeting about nothing. And furthermore, I thought they expected the murders to stop, but a question arose as to how Bastian would get his blood from now on...Since the cult was formed in that house, and caught in that house, they couldn't really speak until everything died down. In fact, most of them pretty much split up in order to not arouse suspicion. Or something? XD I don't know.

#5 by Yume - Jan 8 2008

The past and present tense was a bit confusing (because almost all stories I read are in past tense). Also, there were a few errors like "Questions about how Bastian and the other cult members will live rises up, and is answered quickly." I believe it should be 'are'. And it may be just me, but 'rises up' does sound a bit odd...maybe it should be 'raise' or something similar? (sorry, I'm used to past tense, so if that's the case, it'll be 'are raised')

"I’ve felt confuse since that day, and I want to do the same." I think it should be 'confused'...?

These were the errors I managed to pick out. ^^"

But how the story flows is the bigger question I suppose. XD So far the interaction between Christina and Bastian is great. Are you planning for Christina to keep her questions about her being Kirsten to herself? I thought it'll be nice to see her consult someone (maybe Lucy)? Or possibly have some thoughts on consulting...since for one thing she and Randy are together. I guess basically I think some '3rd-person' opinion would be nice. (:

But if you plan for it to already be Christina & Bastian centric most of the time, then it's still okay.

Language-wise it's alright~ But maybe it's just me again, I'd love some more description/details, if possible. Since I know it's from Christina's POV, she may not focus so much. ^^" However, one thing that could be improved would be how you call characters. Um, instead of "Bastian"& "He", you could go 'the vampire', 'the silent, pale figure' etc. Just a change of nouns to vary (and go crazy with).

The dialogues being squashed together can be a little hard to read. Or maybe it's just some format problem?

That's all from me. ^^" Sorry for the mass of opinions because I myself do some writing. (: Can't wait for the rest!

#6 by lill_sweetty - Jan 9 2008

Awesome job with the comments, Yume!! Very useful ^^ I think I'll go back and edit the story sometime back. All of your comments makes perfect sense, but I'm currently trying to squash in some time to write the 2nd part. Maybe I should've just kept it in past tense...? And the text is squashed like that because it would've been WAAYYY to long if I didn't...Probably would've taken an entire page for the one post.

Technically, I really don't want to bring Lucy in. It's Katie>Randy>Bastian>Christina kind of thing. And in my story, Christina knows who she is. She told Bastian so herself--about how she isn't Kirsten, and she doesn't WANT to be Kirsten. She might have her memories, but she is technically not Kirsten. The memories might survive, but Kirsten's personality, thoughts, ideas, ect. are not the same as Christina. And Christina is happy being herself. Plus, it's a love story, and love stories I feel should be in the lovers' perspective. Bringing others in might give a bias slant. For example, how could Lucy know what type of person Bastian is if she's never been with him as Christina has with Bastian?

#7 by emichan - Jan 9 2008

is the next part done yet?

#8 by Yume - Jan 11 2008

No problem at all. ^^

Hmm present or past tense, either way is fine as long as it flows. That's how I feel. (:

Mm the 'Katie>Randy>Bastian>Christina' thing sounds good! I guess it's fine to be centric on them and bring in the romance amidst Christina's dilemma~ (alright, I'm a sucker for romance)

Looking forward to the next part! X)

#9 by CashMoney24 - Jan 11 2008

It was nice... I really enjoyed it. Gives a little more to think about with the story.

#10 by emichan - Jan 24 2008

is the next part done YET?

#11 by lill_sweetty - Jan 24 2008

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. T_T

I will TRY TRY TRY to get it done before the end of February. It's just I got a series I'm working on fictionpress, a blog, and also tons of homework and projects that's been dumped upon me...And they're not letting up. If worse comes to worse, I'll get it done during the February vacation.

#12 by Yume - Feb 6 2008

No rush. ;D It's better to write it out without being rushed to do so. ><"" *pats* RL can be a problem at times.

#13 by lill_sweetty - Mar 25 2008

Ugh. So I tried implementing some advice, but I think it ended up sounding like a sappy love story. But hey...I'll keep going until the end! *Fight! Fight!* Yeah, there'll be a 3rd part. Because I don't want you guys to wait too long. And the Randy scene came out longer than expected......

More tense mix-up, I'm sure. Point it out if necessary. I'm still trying to rework the beginning sequence of the 1st part. How about if Randy and Chris come. One to visit Lucy as she packs up, and another to see his sister? (That's lame, but yeah...That's all I could think of.)

So, yeah, continuation of Fatal Hearts fanfic. As always, constructive criticism about the plot loved. Feel free to point out grammar mistakes, too. There are lots, I’m sure…Sorry for taking so long, btw, and hope you still remember the last part. ^^ Have fun reading.

-------------------

When I wake up the next morning, my eyes are swollen, as if I was bitten by a bee. My mom frowns when she sees me. The kitchen is all cleaned up now, thanks to my mom. As I walk past her, I can feel her eyes following me, silently asking why my eyes are swollen and why was the kitchen such a mess. Despite wanting to, I can’t tell her. Instead, I reach for a bowl of cereal.

I eat, but it’s tasteless—as if I am eating sand or sawdust. It’s uncomfortable silent, and before long, my mom leaves for work, to my intense relief.

I wanted to call Lucy, and yet I can’t bear to tell her what happened between Bastian and I. Memories of last night floods back, but I suppress them, pushing them far, far away. I don’t want to think about. I can’t think about his feelings, or my—no, Kirsten’s, not my—feelings.

The doorbell rings suddenly, and I jump. A quick glance at the clock told me it was eight o’clock. Who could be so early? Hesitantly, I stand up. I will it not be Bastian—and yet a part of me will it to be Bastian. I hate this life, torn between two parts of me. I didn’t even know myself anymore!

When I finally look at the peephole, my heart sank. It was Katie, beautiful and vibrant now, no longer a pale, lifeless ghost. She stares into the peephole resolutely, her face set. I dread opening the door, but there is no choice. Slowly, the lock turns and the door creaks open.

We stare at each other—her intensely, while I try my best to not look away. I’m so wary of the entire thing, I just want to run away.

Instead of doing what I wish, I instead tell her, “Come in.â€

#14 by phoenixgirl - Mar 27 2008

Awww, poor Christina. I can certainly understand how she feels with people misinterpreting her words and all.

But really, I like how Christina makes Katie and Randy see reality for what it is. Now I wonder how Christina and Bastian will end up. They could be together or maybe not. Guess it depends on the two of them. ;)

Anyway, can't wait for the third part. Looking forward to it.

#15 by lill_sweetty - Mar 28 2008

*looks guiltily around*

Wow, there's one person that reads such a long fanfiction....one who took so long to post each part, too......XD

So a month more or two before the other part? It's longer than I expected.

Mmm...don't you mean their fate is up to me? I'm still toying with what I should go with....Bittersweet or romantic.....hm......(Well, I had one in mind before, but now my mind's wavering.)

Thank you for reading, and for saying you liked it!!! ^^ I thought I might've been too harsh on both Randy and Katie. But the way I wrote it is sort of how I interpreted the two of them...(well, for Katie, anyway. Randy only became like that when I thought what if Christina doesn't love him.)

#16 by phoenixgirl - Mar 29 2008

Oh no problem. I love reading long fan fiction. It might take a little longer to respond but still, I will.

And yup, I suppose their fate is up to you ultimately but sometimes when I write fiction (and yes, I still need to write something new here lol), I just let the ideas flow, almost like I'm not in control.

#17 by lill_sweetty - Mar 29 2008

I understand totally....

Like, for Randy. I never thought his story would go as long as it did, but it did, and it's like I wasn't even in control. It just felt right.

It's the same with Bastian and Christina. I know what I WANT to happen, but what SHOULD happen is another matter....

#18 by emichan - Apr 3 2008

yay, new chapter at last!

#19 by lilqpupe - Apr 20 2008

Is there a 3rd part?

#20 by lill_sweetty - Apr 29 2008

*cough*

Actually, there was not suppose to be.

But there is now. Because I never got the Bastian scene that I wanted.

It's strictly not necessary. You can assume Bastian goes wherever he goes. But I will be writing one. Eventually....Someday...

Really, I'm slow by nature but it'll be there. I'm not sure if the quality will be good, but I'm definitely going to try my best.

#21 by fatalhearts1234321 - May 11 2008

i can not wait for the 3rd part and when u read that u feel that u can see it happning in the game

#22 by Coolgamer - May 21 2008

I liked the first part. Loved it, in fact.

However, I do not like the second part. To me, Katie is VERY out of character in it. She would never be bitchy like that, and her character in the game is much more peaceful and expressive.

#23 by Ariel Schnee - May 23 2008

lill_sweetty:

*looks guiltily around*

Wow, there's one person that reads such a long fanfiction....one who took so long to post each part, too......XD

So a month more or two before the other part? It's longer than I expected.

Mmm...don't you mean their fate is up to me? I'm still toying with what I should go with....Bittersweet or romantic.....hm......(Well, I had one in mind before, but now my mind's wavering.)

Thank you for reading, and for saying you liked it!!! ^^ I thought I might've been too harsh on both Randy and Katie. But the way I wrote it is sort of how I interpreted the two of them...(well, for Katie, anyway. Randy only became like that when I thought what if Christina doesn't love him.)

I want to see Christina/Lucy get together.^_^

#24 by hanako - May 23 2008

I *have* been sent some Christina/Lucy fanfic, but let's just say it wasn't appropriate for public viewing on this board!

#25 by Ariel Schnee - May 23 2008

hanako:

I *have* been sent some Christina/Lucy fanfic, but let's just say it wasn't appropriate for public viewing on this board! :)

Hmmm... I can host it in my lemon fanfic archive if you want. Let me know, alright?

#26 by Coolgamer - May 23 2008

hanako:

I *have* been sent some Christina/Lucy fanfic, but let's just say it wasn't appropriate for public viewing on this board!

I must demand that you send me copies of these lemons as soon as possible.

#27 by hanako - May 23 2008

I'd have to ask the author first...